I Appreciate Catchy Writing

I'm not really concerned about the subject of the following excerpt (Havana), I just love the opening. And I quote...

"When stuff happens you don't like, there's solace in knowing it was for a reason: when your hamster died, the little fella was old and not really enjoying himself anymore, and when the Buckhead strip closed, it was to keep you from being stabbed by visiting NFL players whose names rhyme with Ray Lewis." --from Thrillist